As very young children, our eyes are wide open and our hearts are tender; we are taking in everything around us. We are learning from our strongest influences: our parents, our families, those close to us.
We learn from those around us how to be happy. I remember reading a story about John Lennon a short time ago: when asked by his teacher what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said “happy“. The teacher said to him, “you don’t understand the question“. He replied to the teacher, “you don’t understand life.“
I don’t believe my parents knew how to experience pure joy; they didn’t seem to allow pure joy in their own lives. I realize this now, and I feel for them. And how that translated for me: whenever I had a joyful moment in childhood, it was shrouded by frustration, judgment, and negativity.
Looking back, I think that I desperately wanted to break free, and feel pure joy. After all that’s our birthright: feeling pure bliss and love. Ashok says it’s inside of us, a natural state of pure BLUE (a MOL reference) that’s clouded by conditionings.
I was looking earnestly for that pure joy in my life. Decades ago, I thought I found it in an individual who seemed to be pure joy on the surface. I could feel joy and hope inside of me when I was with him. I pursued him, and experienced abuse. Somewhere deep inside, my body understood at that moment that pure joy was not to be had; that joy brought pain, and that joy was best avoided.
I believe this was when my protector part was solidified. I hardened myself to life. My protector always had a shield up, steering me away from what looked like pure joy, in efforts to avoid hurt. I could feel fear ever present in my throat and in my solar plexus, hardened rock-like tension spots that closed me up to the world like a turtle retreating into its shell. Lately those spots have been more insistent, more tense, as I tried with a bit more success to tap into my joy. They were afraid. Novel symptoms began to crop up, stalling my recovery. I couldn’t understand what was happening, but I knew that my tension spots were not letting up. And, if I’m honest, I didn’t accept these symptoms gracefully - I resisted them.
After exploring these spots in my body many times, trying my best to accept them, peeling away the layers of hurt and pain gently, today I got to a place that I believe is the core. My parts were able to communicate with me that joy is something to be feared; what I recounted above is what my parts revealed to me.
And now, after allowing the grief of this negative belief and prolonged experience, I was able to comfort my parts, assuring them that they are safe; that we now have the tools to stay safe; and finally, most importantly, that our joy is not something we seek from outside of ourselves: our joy comes from within! It is a pure, soothing, wonderful emotion, and nobody can touch or tarnish that beautiful, raw emotion from within. It is my birthright. It’s mine, and I love it.
It will be fun to walk slowly back into life with this realization that joy can be positive, completely positive. The pure, unbridled joy that’s my birthright is now available to me, and I can’t wait to explore it.
I was diagnosed with ME/CFS and a variety of other acronyms at 32 years old, amidst a budding career in Physical Therapy and an active life as a triathlete and volleyballer. After healing to 70% several times over a 20 year period only to relapse, yo-yo style, severe anxiety hit and left me homebound for 2 years. I found the Gupta Program at 54, and I believe it to be the missing link in my recovery. With God as my navigator and the tools of the GP in hand, I am happily journeying to 100% health, experiencing radical changes in my physical, emotional and spiritual life. I am now a volunteer for the Gupta forum because I want to give something back to those who are guiding me to such a rich and wonderful life experience. I also want to share more deeply with others who have committed to this valuable work.
I live in the beautiful countryside of upstate NY with my partner, daughter, and 3 cats. I enjoy birding and music, and the process of discovering my life purpose.